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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

I really don’t like Capri Pants.  Not because they don’t look fashionable and not because they don’t keep my ankles warm (although if that’s why you don’t like Capri Pants, I think you’ve got quite the argument).  I don’t like Capri Pants because if they catch on (i.e. “appear in successive televised Old Navy advertisements”), they would single-handedly (or single clothe-edly, whatever the case may be) revolutionize what we would consider to be a “normal” set of drawers.  Basically, if Capri Pants catch on for good, we’d have to redesign our houses and understand a new, manufactured genre of weather.  Allow me to explain my point (very poorly).

To me, there are two kinds of weather: Pants and Shorts.  Like most people on planet Earth, I have my clothes neatly folded (well, folded anyway) in specialized drawers.  I have two “Necessities” drawers, two “Pants Weather” drawers, and two “Shorts Weather” drawers.

So now let’s say that I have just purchased my very first pair of GAP Capri Pants (and let’s say they were on sale, just because we all love a good sale).  I speed home, anxious for the time when I can tuck them away with my other clothy possessions.  Now imagine me, standing before my dressers:  Where do these crazy things go? They sure as heck ain’t pants and they sure as heck ain’t shorts.  God knows they’re not Necessities.  In the end, do you want to know where I would put them?  In the garbage.

If we are to fit Capri Pants into our normal regime of clothing, we had better think about the consequences.  If considered “average”, Capri Pants would force us to redesign our bedrooms, redesign our wardrobe and most importantly, complicate our approach to the daily question,  “Is it pants or shorts outside today?”

Basically, I’m not going to support any article of clothing that is trying to introduce an entirely new class of weather.  I’ve got enough things to worry about and God willing, “Pants, Shorts or Capris” will never going be one of them.

Besides, they make my ass look fat.

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