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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

I don’t like wasting my readers’ time so please, hear me out.  You are going to be disappointed after you read this paragraph in particular.  You won’t be disappointed in what’s written (although it may well be terrible).  You are going to be disappointed with yourself.  Based on the title, you  think you know what I’m about to write about.  Well, you’re wrong.  Dead wrong.  No, scratch that, you’re just regular wrong — perhaps with a side of death and a pinch of oregano.  This article is not about ineptitude in the workplace, although I’m sure I have a thing or two to say about that.  What is it about then, you ask?  Simple:


Everyone needs to make a living.  Some people wash dishes, some tailor clothing, some find cures for deadly diseases, and still others cook, clean and entertain.  And then there are those who fall into a very special category I like to call “Useless”.  These people make televised estimates (inaccurate or not) about a topic the masses aren’t too concerned with.  These people are commonly known as weathermen…errrr, I mean…weatherpeople.

Watching the weather is like sitting in a primary school classroom.  The weatherperson carefully explains each meticulous detail of the cold front, dew point, visibility, wind speed and direction, sunrise, barometric pressure, and humidity when all the viewer (student) cares about are a few simple things.  Like a kindergartener wondering when recess is, we viewers only want to know:

a) Should I carry an umbrella?
b) Should I wear pants?

We humans are very selfish, and weatherpeople don’t account for that.  They assume that we care about what they care about.  “You’re going to see a change in temperature from last weeks decade-high temperatures due to a cold front coming in from the Manitoba region of Canada and a tropical storm Enrique from the flatland outskirts of the Florida Keys.”  Raise your hand if you care about that statement or even desire to understand it!  While listening to that quote you should be thinking to yourself “So should I or should I not carry an umbrella!?” and “Should I or should I not wear pants!?”  Are you with me?  That is all we care about! In my personal dream world, the weather report would look something like this:


I am almost positive that this is some kind of underground WPAA (Weatherpersons Association of America).  At their meetings, they discuss in what ways they can make their job seem too complicated and too important to be replaced by one computer.  Sadly, all of their important little jobs could be rolled up into one semi-advanced computer.  I know for a darn fact that a computer could generate weather reports with the same accuracy (or lack there of) as a weatherman.  Weather station + Computing = Weather report.  Nothing to it.  Granted the computer won’t look as friendly as a weatherperson and almost certainly will not have opposable thumbs, but gosh darn it, I believe they could do a comparable job.

It’s possible that I’m being too harsh with my whole “replace every weatherman with a machine!” theory, but you’ll have to admit, there is a problem with today’s situation.  The Rochester Area is not exactly the population capital of the world.  However, I know of six employed professionals that will bark the same mostly inaccurate estimations at me.  I’m starting to think that they only still have jobs because no one has the heart to tell them that they are, eh-HEM, “completely useless”.  Think locally.  The weatherman is always the nerdy guy who cares so much about the weather that the other anchors think “it’s cute”.  It ain’t.

I compare hearing a weather report to reading your horoscope or opening a fortune cookie.  At the time you encounter this new information, it consumes your life.  Whatever is being said somehow seems like the most important information in the world — regardless if it correct or not.  Come the next day though, you don’t care if the fortune was accurate or even sensible–there’s a new horoscope/fortune cookie/weather report waiting in the wings!  Imagine if after every day we looked back at the previous days’ weather report.  I’m sure much of the time we’d bark a sarcastic “Thanks buddy…” at the report presented to us.

And anyway, what does “Tomorrow, there will be a 50% chance of rain even mean?”  Better go grab my half umbrella.  Bastards.

Editor’s Note : We were supposed to have thunderstorms today.  The actual temperature was (and I’m not being paid to say this) 98 Degrees.

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