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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

People have been asking me why I haven’t written in a long time. Well people, if that is the  real generalization in which I should refer to you, the word is out: I’m lazy. I’m not so much the “It’s a waste of energy to move my bare foot from the freshly spewed molten lava” kind of lazy as much as the “…but I just washed my Capri Pants last week!” kind of lazy. I’m sure you see the difference. If not, please see me after class or at least before the next exam.

Now, I’ll be honest with you (as I like to be honest to my seven loyal readers—some of whom, and I hope these rumors are true, check my profile each and every day in hopes of seeing a new unread witticism waiting in the wings.  By the way, you guys are freaks). Anyway, I was getting ready to be honest, right? OK.

First of all, this column has absolutely no direction whatsoever.  Can I call it a column now?  Or is it too soon? I never know.  Anyway, I’ve been out of the game so long that I don’t even remember how to play. Props to my absolutely favoritist first cousin in the whole world Alison (whom I love) and my biggest fan Pat (#!) for annoying the living crap out of me to write anew.  So here it is.  Basically, what I’m trying to say is: If what I write sucks, it’s not my fault. It’s theirs.  I can’t help it if I’m famous.

Don’t hate the writer, hate the fame.

I digress.  After many years trying to stereotype people, I finally have figured out the difference between the millions upon billions of people in this world.  In the spirit of Halloween, I give you the following.  There are two types of people in this world:

People who trade Milky Ways for Snickers and people who trade Snickers for Milky Ways.

Of course, you have your exceptions, those who could go both ways, depending on how old they are and how much they’ve had to drink that night.  But those people are few and far between (and quite possibly aliens).  And please spare me the crap about Butterfinger being a separate but equal category.  That’s crap and you know it.

Personally, I’m a Milky Ways for Snickers kinda guy.  Always have been, always will be.  So what’s the difference between these two groups of people, the groups that I say definitively divide our entire solar system?  Um, hello?  Nothing?  Could it be more obvious?  It’s just candy, what the hell do you want?  I said it was a clear distinction, not a clear meaningful distinction.  Get off my back.  And give me your Snickers.

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