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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

Monthly Archives: January 2002

I’ve  always been a big fan of New Years (Eve) and the quintessential hullabaloo that seems to precede and stem from it.  Although this year was my twentieth celebration, it is only now that I am beginning to see through said “hullabaloo”.  Yes, hullabaloo, I am on to you and your abundance of what I can only refer to as hullabalooisity.  I’m going to try not to write the incredibly obvious “New Years is for Suckers” piece, but I make no guarantees; except that you’re going to have the time of your life! (note: very, very false)

Allow me to make the following comparison.  The process we go through at New Years, in many ways, is the exact same thing as the process we go through when trying to hook up with someone at a party/bar/fishing boat/cult/etc.  All things considered, we treat New Years like we are getting ready to woo some foolish, attractive person — each one of us who participates in the usual New Years tradition is this figurative woo-er.  Now, before you alert your heads of state, industry, religion, and interior design regarding my statement, allow me to frantically dig my way out of this hole, which measures 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.

Please read the following situation and justify to yourself to which I am describing:

a) The typical New Years Eve or
b) The typical Attempt at Woo-ing?

:: Begin Story ::

Before you head out to some party, you have already convinced yourself that the events you hope to place, at the moment, are a very worthy of your attention and extremely important.  You eventually show up to some kind of gathering where you find yourself, along with everyone else, over-dressed when you consider the events that are about to take place.  Ultimately, after sharing a few drinks, you disclose your “resolutions”.  You say these things even though you know very well to be false: the resolutions are a blatant series empty promises.  Eventually, after each of the parties involved have finished lying, the clichéd countdown to inevitability begins.  After about ten seconds of heart-pounding suspense, the cork is finally popped!

Granted, immediately after the cork is popped, it is difficult to continue caring about the events that have taken place that night.  Regardless, a series of small kisses are exchanged and some sweet words for those involved.  Only after this point is it time for sleep.  When you wake up that fateful next morning, you begin to realize (or immediately realize) that the resolutions you made were purely sad attempts to justify this forced new beginning.  Now, since your resolutions have been compromised, they are ignored despite the self-inflicted guilt attached.  Despite all of this, you’ll repeat the cycle next time around.

:: End Story ::

I enjoy New Years Eve as much as the next guy, but what that next guy might not know that I do know is that New Years Eve is overrated beyond our reasonable control.  But hey, New Years does generate some damn good Sales.  And for that, I give props.

Happy 2002! (How can it be bad?  It’s a palindrome!)

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