Skip to content

Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

Monthly Archives: August 2002

Fire: the so-called ‘invention’ that pushed man from the ever-boring  potential Dawn of Humanity to the critically acclaimed actual Dawn of Humanity. Of course, fire was invented just as oxygen and homeostasis were: it wasn’t. Man first needed to discover the essence of conflict before he was able to harness and utilize the power of fire. Or else, why would he need it and how could he use it? Now, since behind every man is a very caring, smart and underappreciated woman, let me make the claim that man would have never discovered conflict if it wasn’t for the woman, and in particular, women in general.  And nowadays, as a result, it seems that women have the innate ability to discover conflict where there previously was no conflict.

However, the discovery of fire is not what I care to talk about; rather I’m concerned about the fire itself. So was prehistoric man. So are present-day men and women. And I’m sure that anything short of fire-retardant fire will cause concern for men, women and aliens of the future. But today, we’re much smarter than we were back in those days, right?  Today, we carefully protect ourselves from fire.  This is clearly the case because those cavemen lived in the time before our great thinkers gave us, among other things, the university, atomic theory, the perfect pancake, and sporks! Yes, those were the days of sticks, stones, broken bones, and words were not yet invented.

No, today we are much smarter than before.  In fact, we have what high-powered, masterfully-trained architects and civil engineers like to call “Emergency Exits”. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept, emergency exits are doors or openings that are strategically placed throughout a building used to escape during a fire. Now, because we present-day peoples are so learned, we have placed these emergency exits in the most convenient places throughout a structure—that way, when a fire strikes the building, a resident/employee/turtle can escape with ease.

Unfortunately, this is the worst idea in the world. In fact, the concept of an “emergency exit” makes absolutely no sense at all. There’s another name for an emergency exit: AN EXIT. Why we make distinctions between “emergency” doors and “regular” doors is infinitely beyond my realm of understanding. The fact that the door is conveniently placed where a person can exit a room or building rapidly is a pretty good indication that regardless of fire or emergency, this is where a door should be.  Are we only supposed to be able to conveniently exit a building when it is aflame?

Here’s my thought process in a perfect world:

I want to exit the building. I see a door. I am exiting the building.

Here is my thought process in the world in which we live:

I want to exit the building. I see a door. Is it an emergency exit? Yes. Damnit. Will an alarm go off if I exit there? Yes. Damnit. Where is a door that I can actually use to exit? I don’t know. I’ll check down the hall. Nope. Goddamnit. I’m going to burn this place to the ground.  Where’s a match?  I’ll exit the building through the emergency exit.

And there we have it. Emergency exits perpetuate the need for emergency exits. What else but the sense of frustration and embarrassment when someone can’t find a door to exit would cause a person to want to light a building on fire in the first place? At least they would know that there are plenty of perfectly-accessible places to exit the building in that situation.

Think about the last building you were in. Was it on fire? No? Doesn’t it make sense that all fire exits be used as ‘actual’ exits? Yes? Do you see my point about emergency exits? Yes?  Good.

Now don’t just stand there, help me find a match.

%d bloggers like this: