Skip to content

Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

This morning, I raced a girl to the Columbia Heights metro stop.  She was quick, though not quite quick enough.  She walked at a steady, swift pace, but she was a poor judge of when the light would gracefully go green and eliminate the chance that we would end up in a DCist article.  She was feisty.

Oh, and also, she had no idea we were racing.

But we were.

(And I won.)

I am not completely sure why this is true, but if you are outside, and if you have legs, and if you are using those legs to propel yourself forward, chances are we are racing.  (Chances are also that I am winning.)  That said, to be fair to myself, I only participate in My Human Race when I am walking alone and am by definition “quite bored.”

The goal of The Race is simple: pass all people who can reasonably be passed.

The rules are simple, too.

The first (and most important — that’s why it’s the first!) is that no one may pick up on the very real and serious fact that you are racing them.  That makes running illegal.  Arms-pumping speed-walking is illegal.  Pushing people out of the way is illegal (unless you are being chased by a panther).  If you are walking passed someone and they think to themselves, “What in the world is this guys problem?”, chances are you are doing something illegal (again, unless you are being chased by a panther).

I guess that’s the only rule.

For more experienced metropolitan racers, a special version of MHR can be played during rush hour in DC.  Additional rules are as follows:

2. No one who is not violating Rule 1 may pass you.  Ever.
3. You must pass at least one person between the escalator to the metro and the metro card reader.
4. You must pass at least one person between the metro card reader and the platform.
5. When your train has reached its destination, you must pass at least one person between your metro car and the (exit) card reader.
6. You must pass at least one person between the (exit) card reader and the escalator.
7. You must pass at least one person between the escalator and your job where no one appreciates you.
8. One point for each adult passed.  One-half point for each child, old person, and pregnant lady.
9. You must reconsider your priorities and life-choices that have brought you to the point of race-walking unknowing strangers.
10. Cry self to sleep.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to gradually get in front of everyone I see.

%d bloggers like this: