Skip to content

Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

My last post was an homage (of sorts) to something (horrible) that I wrote for my tenth grade English class.  This entry is inspired in part by a piece my eleventh grade English teacher posted on her blog this week.  I am in a “High School English” kind of mood, apparently.  Also, “High School English” is a type of mood, apparently.

In her blog, RASJ (with irony) asks the universe, “Am i the only person who cares that folks dont seem 2 no how 2 rite or speak proper any moor?”  The answer, of course, is: “No.  There are approximately eleven other people who careAlso, there are seven million and three teenagers finger-typing ‘OMG boyz r soooooo dum’ into their iPhones while driving behind you blindfolded on the highway.”  (Although, to be fair to those seven or so million, it is true that boys are, in fact, quite dumb.)

Without doing any meaningful research (or *cough* any research at all), I think it’s fair to say that we as a society are in a constant state of assuming that the next generation is completely clueless when it comes to [VERB/NOUN].  We wonder how the darn kids these days can even dress themselves — and then when they do manage to put cotton to skin — we wonder why they’ve picked out such awful, slutty clothes and why they’re listening to such awful, slutty music. But I don’t think the next generation is any more doomed than the generations preceding.

That’s not necessarily good news, though.

We are doomed, too.  We have always been doomed.  We have always been at war with Eastasia.

Truth be told, we haven’t been making sense for awhile now.  (“I mean, with the economy these days, you’d be lucky to make even one cent!”)

For example, consider the advice you might hear from a well-meaning, well-educated, polite citizen of the world alerting you that there is a crazed panther charging toward you at high speed.  The person might shriek in your general direction, “Run like you’ve never run before!”

This is terrible advice. (But at least they didn’t text it to you?)

The last thing you should do if being chased by an anything is to run as though you have never had the experience of running.  Do not, I repeat, do not run like you’ve never run before.

Now is not the time for experimentation.

In the alternative, you might want to consider running exactly as you have run before.  It’s probably your best bet, even though that panther does look pretty hungry.

Maybe later, after you have outsmarted the panther with your opposable thumbs and ability to empathize, you can try all kinds of new running styles.  You can run with your knees kicking up to your chest!  You can run on your arms!  You can run backwards while balancing a tray of papaya on your head!  Do whatever you want!

But please, if you are being chased, do not run like you’ve never run before.

%d bloggers like this: