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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

It has been eight years since I last wrote about Halloween, so perhaps it’s time to give it another go.  The last time, I debated whether we can determine our true personalities based on what we do when confronted with the Please-Take-One Halloween Candy Bucket whilst Trick and/or Treating.  So click on over to that article if you want to find out whether you are, according to my deeply flawed pseudo-sociology: The Free-For-All Criminal, The Social-Minded Criminal, The Mastermind Criminal, The No-Harm-Done Petty Criminal, The Unaffected, The Follower, or of course, The Son of a Preacher-Man Man.

Now that I’m older and (according to the theory that age and intelligence are directly proportional) wiser, I am less concerned with candy and more concerned with the fact that life makes no sense.


And I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Halloween (AKA, Día De Los Muertos, Versión América) is the day when once-proud walls of logic and rule-oriented understanding of life begin to crumble for our little vampires, princesses, and Lady Gagii.

Allow me to explain, poorly.

When you are a child, you go through the first part of your life — let’s be honest — as a completely useless member of society.  You think Peekaboo is awesome.  You parents lie to you about everything, from Santa Claus (not real) to the monsters in your closet (real).  You cry.  All the time.  You cry when don’t get [NOUN].  Or when you are [ADJECTIVE].  Or when you can’t [VERB] the [NOUN].

Completely useless.

That’s why kids are so adorable.  If they weren’t, we would abandon them.  No, really.

Eventually, children are able to retain certain social rules.  Which is nice.  And even though all families are different, one of the only thing that mothers and fathers all over the country (world?) can agree upon is that it’s important for kids to know:


Except on Halloween.  On Halloween, the rule is a little but different.

Let’s see if you can spot the nuance:


Did you catch it?

And not just any strangers.  Scary strangers.  And nothing could be more wonderful!

And here, let me take a photo of you with that man in the Freddy Kruger mask.  Isn’t this fun?  No, no, don’t be afraid.  Walk up to him — the one who is staring at you, cross-eyed and drooling with a bowl of candy.  There’s nothing to be scared about.  See, honey?  He just wants to give you candy.  Don’t you like candy, sweetie?  Ha-ha, kids, am I right?  Sorry, she doesn’t understand.  No, no, take whatever you want!  Isn’t this fun?  Princess, stop crying!  Oh, ha-ha, sorry, here, here, grab something from the bowl.  Look, a Snickers!  See?  Nothing to be scared about.  You love candy, remember!  Happy Halloween!  Okay, come on now.  Let’s go to the next house!

So, kids, today is November 1st.  Welcome to society!

I know you’re probably busy picking Dots and Laffy Taffy out of your molars, but hopefully you can deal with one last thing to chew on.  As you wake up to your makeup-stained pillowcase to eat your bowl of Positive Reinforcement for breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner, remember that life is like a bowl of grammar: Filled with very clear rules with absolutely no exceptions, with some exceptions.

Got it?

This might your first lesson in nuance, but it most certainly will not be your last.  Just wait until your first crush tells you that she loves you, but she’s not in love with you.  Just wait until your parents tell you that you can be whatever you want if you just put your mind to it, but are you sure you want to go to art school why don’t you want to major in something like advertising or maybe be a doctor or do you know that nice girl from down the street her mother told me last night that she got a full ride at Brandeis do you know her she seems like such a sweetheart certainly nicer than whatshername you’ve been seeing but whatever you want to do is fine with us we just want you to be happy.

And if you follow the advice of your parents, you will be happy.

With some exceptions.

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