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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

Today is my mom’s birthday.  This is my present to her.  The fact that she is going to cry when she reads this no matter I write kind of takes the pressure off, which is nice.

Mom tears status: None.

scales of justiceThe first thing that you should know about my mom is that she is completely obsessed with fairness.

Growing up, the Sparer Household was entirely dominated by males:  three (“us”) versus one (“her”) at all times. Discussions at the dinner table were exponentially more likely to revolve around computers and bicycles than Les Misérables or the big shoe sale at Altier. 

Of course, this was totally unfair.

Eventually, in order to reconfigure the gender balance, we offered mom a lovable lab-schnauzer-poodle (L’Schnoodle?) puppy consolation prize named Shadow.  Shadow turned out to be one of the greatest Sparers of all time, but while she had no problem balancing a Milk-Bone on her nose, she was comically unsuccessful in her quest to completely bridge the Southwood Lane gender gap.

And so, just as Charles Darwin would have predicted, my mom evolved an uncanny ability to obtain (and maintain) attention.

For example, one of her great many talents is the ability to calculate in her head — to the hundredths place — the exact amount of time that I am on the phone with my dad.  When it is her “turn,” she makes absolutely sure that she “gets to” talk to me for no less than that amount of time.  In the event that she is not home when I talk to him, I will get a call later in the day to even the score (provided my dad remembers to tell her that I called).

That is why it should surprise absolutely no one that I am writing this mom homage (momage?) a few short months after a similar ode to my dad on his birthday.

Fair is fair.

Mom tears status: Expecting.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it occurred to me recently that people have no way of reading my thoughts.

Most of the time, this is a happy reality (especially if you’re ordering a meatball, mustard, and pineapple sandwich in front of me at Subway).  But other times, the fact that my internalized and heartfelt beliefs are not conveyed to the people I care about creates an unnecessarily confused reality where my actual thoughts do not match the perception of my actual thoughts.

Mom tears status: Confused but prepared.

In fact, I’d venture to guess that most of us are living in a world where our internal monologue only vaguely resembles a third party view of our behaviors and verbal communication.  We have opinions about ourselves and about the world around us that are interesting but only exist b’twixt our ears because silent interesting thoughts are objectively unknowable.

In other words, merely having thoughts of love and appreciation is not enough if those thoughts are not appropriately conveyed.

Mom tears status: Welling.

Every day, I think about how much I love and appreciate my mom.

But I also don’t tell her how I feel nearly enough (although it should be noted that she believes that I don’t tell her nearly enough about anything).  And maybe it’s strange to do in a blog post what I claim to need to do more in person, but I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly declare that I do, in fact, love my mom very much.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Mom tears status: Flowing!


FAUX OUTRAGE BONUS: Hilarious Family Photo (Plus ALF!)

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