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Faux Outrage

Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.

Behold!  Your vocabulary is about to get one (essentially pointless*) word larger!

[pause approximately 8 seconds for applause]

Since FauxOutrage began, you have learned of punintentionalfauxjectivitygendrification, NetFlixtion, and most recently, annexiety.  Today, I present you with glawking.

glawking (glawk-ing)
verb

to use the reflection of glass, such as a storefront or subway train window, in order to inconspicuously stare at or ogle an amusing or otherwise intriguing person or situation.

For example: “I had no idea why the woman sitting behind me on the metro was crying until I pretended to look out the window and glawked at the book she was reading: Tuesdays With Morrie.  She could have filled both of Mitch Albom’s ears with that pool of tears.”

(Note: Mitch Albom, the author of Tuesdays With Morrie, has enormous ears.)

Humans are curious creatures.  As a rule, we want to know what is going on around us.  This is why traffic grinds to a halt whenever there is an opportunity to watch the cops harass someone other than us.  It’s why we rush to our window when we hear folks talking loudly on the street.  It’s (unfortunately) why we like reality shows (on the basis that they are actually reality).  It’s also why we read newspapers, check out Newsweek, and why we peruse the pages of Playboy magazine.

(Because the Internet is down?)

We want to know.

Unfortunately, though we are always excitedly assessing and reassessing the our surroundings, we also do not want our unwitting subjects to catch us sleuthing.  That is why it is so important that you perfect your glawking skills.  Any translucent glass surface can be used to determine if the girl walking behind you is cute (or a man) and as plausible deniability on the off chance that your reflecting eyes meet accidentally.

Or maybe it will be love at first glawk.

* When you think about it, any word, no matter how powerful, is by itself “essentially pointless.”  In the vast majority of circumstances, if we were to forget/lose a random word in the English language, we would nonetheless be able to communicate the meaning of that word using a synonym or collection of other words.

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