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Faux Outrage

“Literally the most important blog in the universe since 2010.”

March 18, 2002 There’s a 37.3% Chance I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About (The Nutshell)

I have a new pet peeve. I’m not sure if I have to justify this new peeve or not. On the one hand, my old pet peeves might get jealous because of the new attention being paid to the new peeve. On the other hand, it’s so hard to resist a new little bundle of joy when you’re standing in the Pet Store.

Frankly, if you’re not sure what you’re talking about, don’t speak (I know what you’re thinking).  Now, I don’t mean this in the harshest way possible, though I know people who believe that not a breath should be wasted on opinions that one is not sure of.  What I cannot understand is why people insist on beginning sentences with “I’m 70% sure that…” or “I’m 40% prepared for…” or anything hovering even remotely close to that genre of thought.  Seriously, what do sentences like those even MEAN?

Take this example: “I’m about 85% sure that we didn’t have any homework due for today.”

a) What did we just learn from this upstanding citizen?
b) Are we more comfortable with the idea of not having done any homework?
c) Is this statement even useful at all? (see answer key below).

It’s not so much the fact that this individual is not entirely sure whether or not there is homework due.  My problem has more to do with the fact that they are somehow exactly sure the degree of their uncertainty.  “Sureness” is binary, folks.  It’s on.  It’s off.  I’m sure.  I’m not sure.  So please don’t tell me you’re 10% or 80% or 99% sure.  No, you’re not.  There’s a word for that–unsure.

I hate to keep harping on meteorologists, but it’s too easy.  I think my deep-rooted not-likeage for these people comes from their explicit use of these sentences which do me absolutely no good whatsoever.  50% chance of rain, eh?  Thanks, Mr. Meteorologist!  I’ll go grab my half umbrella.  25% chance of snow, huh?  I’ll go put on one snow tire.  100% chance I’m changing the channel…meteorologist PUNK.  HOLD ME BACK!

*brushes off shirt*

Eh HEM.  All I’m saying is that if you’re going to inform me of your thought, make sure you have one.  Make sure you know what you want to say, and make sure you say it.  Protecting your gut reaction or gut opinion with some percentage speaks volumes.  Unfortunately, those volumes are filled with pages and pages of the sentence “I have no idea what I’m talking about”.